gategrrl | (no subject)

I've got a confession to make. I'm an advice column junky. I love them. I read Ann Lander, Ask Beth, Carolyn Hax, Miss Manners, and another one on Slate than I'm mind-wiping on the name of, and even some of the less main-stream ones when I find them (and remember to book mark them). I could spend hours reading back-logged columns. And I have.

This letter to Dear Margo (you can currently read it in today's Yahoo page) goes like this:

DEAR MARGO: My middle son as a child and teenager was warm, loving and well-mannered. I adored him then and still do. The problem is that when he married (16 years ago), his wife seemed to make it her mission in life to keep our son out of our lives. We no longer hear from him on Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays, or any day, for that matter. If we call him, he always seems happy to talk to us, and we make it a point to also spend 20-30 minutes chatting with our daughter-in-law. We have two other sons who are extremely close to us. I don't understand what happened, and although we have tried many times to bring him closer to his family again, it isn't happening. I'm now 62 years old and fear that I will leave this earth with only two of my sons beside me. It's tearing me up emotionally. I love my children and I miss my son indescribably. What can I do?

--- DISTRESSED MOTHER

Now, this letter has all kinds of odd working in it. You can read Margo's answer here. I don't know how much this letter was edited, but I can tell you right now, my answer to this insecure woman would be, "DM, sit and listen. Not every child of yours is going to want to be as close to you as your other children. He's a MIDDLE child. Does that tell you something? What other family dynamics are going on there, dearie? And why are you jumping on your poor son's wife? It's her responsibility that he's backed away? It's been 16 years. Is she an abuser? Do you have proof? Are there grandchildren involved that you're not talking about? Perhaps he simply does not want to be in your pocket. That's often why sons and daughters move away in all senses of the word. They need *space* to be themselves. You don't know: he could be living a polyamorous lifestyle and be bisexual, but knows you wouldn't ever accept that. Maybe he's a swinger. Maybe, he's even a white vanilla type of guy who simply wants to cleave unto his wife and not his over-reliant mother."

I dunno. There's a lot I could say to a mother like this. And here's a woman who's an example to all mothers everywhere: Let Your People Go. You raised 'em. Trust 'em. If they loved you, they'll come back.

And she's 62. That's not exactly over the hill these days. She's got plenty of years ahead of her. Has she even tried to visit her darling sweet middle child son? No indication of that. Mom needs a hobby other than her close sons.

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Ooh, I love advice columns, too! Carolyn Hax is my favorite.

It really sounds like the mom is throwing an unnecessary pity party here, doesn't it? I can understand her missing the extreme closeness she used to share with her son, but "tearing me up emotionally"?

I've told my kid to just shoot me if I ever get like this. My job is to bring her up as an independent person, able to live her life without having to lean on me for emotional or financial support. Does that mean I won't willingly offer it if she needs it? No, it doesn't. She will always have a home with me, even if it's sleeping on the floor of a studio apartment. ;-) But when she heads out into the world, I will consider myself a success as a parent if she only returns because she *wants* to, not because she needs to or because I've guilted her into it.

If you do the math, her second son was married when she was 46 years old. Let's assume he was ...25 when he got married. That would then make her 21 when she gave birth to him. I suppose he could have been younger or perhaps a few years older (but not by too much).

There's no indication that she's divorced, since she keeps using the "we" and "us" when referring to herself.

What it all means is, truly. She's a middle aged woman who had children very young and probably never thought to have a life of her own, you know? Major empty nest syndrome there. Jeez, the guy probably just wants some mental space for himself, or HIS WIFE does, and there's nothing wrong with that!

Wow, that's very insightful. I'd be inclined to tell her to get a puppy ... except poor puppy.

And this is only one side of the story! Obviously, this mother is not even considering her son's side of the story, or maybe what she's done to contribute to this problem.

Have you seen the reality show "Mama's Boys"? I caught it last week, and was amused enough to catch it again this week. It's about three bachelors who have their mothers along to help them pick out future mates from a group of scantily clad beauties. After I got over the shock of figuring out that the mamas were only a few years older than I am (oh, the pain!) it turned into some intriguing and horrifying viewing.

Not one of those mothers seemed to consider what was best for their son, only what she wanted for him. And they were pretty blunt and obnoxious about throwing their opinions around.

I've had a few boyfriends in my life that I stopped seeing because they still lived with their mothers. I only had to watch this show to remember why!

No, I've never seen it, and boy, does that set up some disturbing psychological images. Thing is, those guys have probably never been *allowed* to have a thought of their own (helicopter mom, anyone?) or just plum gave up, OR goes ahead and does whatever the hell he wants without her knowing.

What you said.

*nods*

I hope my kids shoot me if I ever start belly-aching about them never seeing me. There's ALWAYS history there, and it's never as sunny and innocent as Mommy thinks it was.

We have that exact issue with Jeremy's family. Every time his parents call he gets badgered to go visit, which we never do. And I could see how his mother could sit down and write exactly that same letter.

Then there is our side, where Jeremy works shifts, his parents live 250km away, they come down to Melbourne to visit his other siblings but never think to drop into our house, they only call themselves at Christmas and Jeremy's birthday, and when Meg turned one we invited them down for her party and his mother complained about having to drive all that way. That was when I gave up trying to get together with his side of the family.

Yeah. See, that's when you start recording dates and times (like when you're in an office situation and you're documenting all the shitty things a coworker is doing?) so that the offender gets it indisputably in the face when they deny their actions. Can't be any shittier than they already treat you, you know?